Wednesday, August 24, 2016


I know this is where I usually post what I've created over the past week or two but this one's going to be a little different because of what's been spinning around in my head for the past couple weeks. And I did complete a few projects but there's only one I'm going to post because it falls in line with the topic. Negativity. Why is it so easy to believe every negative thing we hear? Why is it so easy to recall every negative word? I know I can't be the only person that can clearly recall every negative hateful doubtful  word that has ever been spoken to me. It jumps to the forefront with ease whereas any positive loving words I have to think about and usually I am justifying them as I hear them. The justification makes it easier to disregard them later on. I tend to qualify the positive and hold onto the negative. And I found myself doing that a lot lately and it digs a really really deep hole that is practically impossible to climb out of. I am trying to be better. And this is not something that I suddenly realized about myself at almost 43 years old. This has been an ongoing problem and I really wish there was a solution, a way to forget all the past hurt and just move forward with the lesson. It's way too easy for me too understand,acknowledge and attempt to learn from the lesson while maintaining the negativity. And I don't understand that at all. It's like every hateful word gets stored behind some permanent impenetrable vault. It's when i have those tiny quiet moments of self-doubt that make me question everything, usually after making a mistake or having my feelings hurt, then my vsult opens and I am flooded with crap that isn't even relevant to the situation.
I had one day where I was overwhelmed stressed and trying to keep a smile somewhere,if not on my face, at least, in my heart and it was practically impossible.  No matter how hard I tried it seemed like the whole world was fighting against allowing that to happen. The tipping point was pain and as I lashed out at the stupidity that was taking over my world I clearly saw my role in it. Instead of pulling back and removing myself from the world for a minute or two I called myself stupid and that allowed a flood of negativity to engulf me. I became so very small and lost in the midst of every mean thing that I've heard. And I couldn't escape into a book or project. I swear I used to be better at handling these moments but I say that about my depression too: The truth is I wasn't. I was better at protecting those I cared about from my moments, I was better at the fake it 'til you make it way of doing things.  I thought that I was protecting them but I was really making sure I wouldn't be rejected. Trying not to hear one more word to put on my list. Now in an attempt to counter the past couple of weeks I will dig around my brain for some positive reenforcement. I remember my Pre-K/kindergarten teacher telling me she preferred my siblings to me, I should be able to recall some love from the same time. I am going to actively work on shutting the negative down,locking it up or piling so much happy and love on it everything else is drowned out.
Happy crafting

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